The first time in a pretentious coffee bar…

You make the mistake of asking for sugar.

Don’t drink the coffee with sugar

I’ve stood here and worked my ass off for you to put sugar in it … try it first.

You gulp it like there is an imaginary gun against your head

That’s not how you do it 

Slurp it instead of gulp it!

You should have let it cool for 23 minutes 

You’re not allowed to drink it yet!

You observe the yummy mummies with their three and a half grand prams 

and their designer babies.

And shyly inquire about lids 

LIDS trap moisture and makes the coffee SWEAT and cry tears of peasant 

The coffee tastes like shit so you read the house beans description 

Don’t stand too close to the beans

They have a certain energy that gets altered by people like you.

An Aston Martin and a porche pulls up outside. 

These people do not look like coffee experts 

but have clearly got a share in the business. 

Hello charles how are you today. Your usual with sugar and a lid?

You take a step closer to the door

Why are you leaving? I spent 3 hours meditating with these beans and the goat god that blesses the milk before I steam it’s silky liquid .

What milk do you use. Your voice shrinks to a squeak

We only use goat milk that has been squeezed freshly, precisely 632 metres up the mountain.

And trust me the goat warned me of all your instant coffee sins 

before I smelt you come in.

OH PISS OFF… get a life your coffee is shit